


Not Now

by SonjaJade



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: F/M, Resolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-10-10 16:31:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10442154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonjaJade/pseuds/SonjaJade
Summary: There’s so many things they want to say, but not yet; not now.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I saw a pic on tumblr that had a caption of that scene when Riza meets Roy at Maes' grave just before they go to kidnap Mrs. Bradley, and that breath she takes just before he cuts her off was the entire inspiration for this whole thing. That single breath could have said so much... Anyway, thanks to bay115 for helping fix some plot blunders!

“Alright, then.  Let’s move out.”  He walks away from Riza, not ready to hear what she wanted to say.  Besides, he already knows what it was she was a breath away from admitting.  If she had come to him a week ago, or even yesterday, he would have let her make her confession.  He would have listened and probably kissed her and make her a promise that he would die trying to keep.  
  
But not now.  Now he needs to stay focused on the biggest mission he’s ever taken on.  She’ll be by his side and with any luck, they’ll make it out alive.  Then, he’ll let her speak.  Then _he_ would speak.  But not now.  
  
Instead of letting his thoughts churn in silence, he looks over his shoulder and asks, “Did you find the Madame?”  
  
She hurries to catch up to his side and answers him.  “Yes, but Hayate wouldn’t go with her.  He’s in the car, giving Braeda something to fret over besides our mission.”  
  
Her precious dog, the one with the dark eyes and black head, the one that Mustang smugly suspects is his placeholder, couldn’t leave his beloved mistress after all.  While he’s annoyed at having to bring the animal with them, he didn’t truly expect any less of his loyalty.  
  
Roy detects an undercurrent of anxiety in her voice, so slight that only someone who knows her like he does could catch it.  He rests his hand on her shoulder and squeezes it lightly.  “Don’t be frightened.  Hayate’s a brilliant companion and I’m sure he’ll stay out of the way.  Everything’s going to be alright, Lieutenant.”  
  
“I’m not frightened, sir,” she murmurs.  “I’m terrified.”  
  
He can’t do anything but laugh.  “Me, too!  But I don’t really have any choice but to be brave now.  If I can convince myself I’m not afraid, maybe I really won’t be.”  
  
They’re quiet a little longer before reaching the car that Braeda, Fuery and the dog are waiting in.  Then Riza tugs him to a stop.  He warns her with his eyes not to say anything to make him lose his nerve, and she shakes her head.  
  
“We have to get through this.  I can’t die knowing my dog would be eating table scraps and getting fat if left to our boys.”  
  
Roy blinks and she goes on to say that she really likes their men and appreciates that they would be sure Hayate is taken care of, but she worries he’ll forget how to behave and only want people food, and that he’ll want to sleep in a real bed or get on the couch…  And Roy loses it.  He doubles over in laughter and holds his sides and can’t seem to catch his breath.  The look Riza is giving him is one of utter confusion and he grabs her cheeks with both hands and loudly smooches her forehead before losing himself to more chuckles.  Her face is a brilliant pink, even in the dark, and he turns away from her before he lets those eyes sway him from what _has_ to be done.  
  
“The fate of Amestris rests on our shoulders and you’re worried about the dog getting fat!”  He climbs into the front seat and slides over, Riza sliding into the driver’s seat after him.  He grins at her and says, “Don’t worry, we’ll take care of this and you won’t have the chance to lose a moment of sleep over your precious canine.”  
  
“I guess that is a silly thing to be worried about,” she admits with a small smile as she starts the car.  “All things considered, I should be grateful I don’t have to worry about him getting lost from Madame’s side.”  
  
 _Thank you,_ her eyes say.  She doesn’t look worried anymore, and he doesn’t feel so anxious either.  
  
 _We’ll talk when this is over,_ he says with his gaze, and she reads him well, nodding and driving to the lookout point.  He takes a moment to close his eyes and meditate.  His guts still their shaking, his heart slows a little, and he looks forward to afterward when Bradley is gone and his countrymen are safe… and he can finally have a long overdue meeting with his precious subordinate.

* * *

It’s dark.  Even though he can’t see anything, he knows it’s got to be dark now.  They’ve been at the hospital for days now, and when he asked what time it was they took Riza to surgery, it was after six in the evening then.  It has to be after midnight he imagines, and though he’s exhausted from events of the past few days (tests, studying, fumbling with simple calisthenics in his blind state), he’s too wound up to sleep.  
  
Visiting hours were over long ago, but he can hear Gen. Grumman down the hallway bellowing that he’s Führer now and he doesn’t give a good goddamn if visiting hours ended at seven.  “This is important business and I’ll thank you all to let me through!”  
  
Roy smiles at the ridiculousness of the situation, but is relieved when he hears the door open and Grumman ordering the nurses out and his guards to stand watch at the door.  Riza tries to shush him for the benefit of the other patients but her voice sounds groggy and irritated, especially when the man doesn’t listen to her.  
  
“Give us some privacy, boys,” he tells his guards, whose footsteps move to the other side of the hallway as Grumman slams the door and sighs.  “Gods have mercy, one hassle after another in here!  It’s a goddamned circus!”  
  
“Führer Grumman, I’m honored that you came to visit,” Roy says as he salutes his friend.  
  
“Put your damn hand down and get some rest!” he barks.  He drags a chair closer, Roy assumes in between the beds.  The man seems to calm down at last and he says, “You crazy kids pulled it off.  I never would have imagined we’d finally be where we are.  And I have you to thank for it all, Mustang.”  
  
Roy is at a loss for words, but his mouth works soundlessly trying to find _something_ to say.  “S-sir…  I-”  
  
“Wait ‘til I’m done, Colonel,” he cuts Roy off firmly.  Roy hears his voice change direction and he knows Grumman’s now facing Riza.  “Lt. Hawkeye, I have some information that I’ve wanted to share with you for quite some time, but never found the right opportunity.  And in light of recent events, I think I better tell you before anything else happens and one of us dies.  And since that information directly affects Col. Mustang here, I figure now is the best time to do it.”  
  
Roy furrows his brow and listens closely, catching the sound of wool against cotton sheets, and he assumes Grumman has taken his Lieutenant’s hand…  The old man takes a deep breath and begins to speak in a voice that seems nostalgic.  
  
“A long time ago, I had a daughter who looked just like you.  She was bright and cheerful, a pretty blonde with warm brown eyes…  She loved to dance and sing and was happiest with her dolls and a tea set filled with imaginary tea and pretend scones.  She grew up much too quickly.  I didn’t get to spend as much time with her as I’d wanted and before I knew it she was seeing boys, and then she ended up getting married to a man I’d never even met.”  He laughs sadly and continues, “I was gone a lot when she was in school, but she and my wife stayed in the city of Luza while I went wherever the army sent me, so she could have a stable home life and friends at school. Anyway, I asked her why she didn’t introduce him to me, and she said it was because he hated the army.  I told her I wanted to meet him anyhow, and when we finally did get together there was one hell of an argument.  My little girl told me she didn’t want me in her life after that; that she loved her husband and had committed to a life with him…  She hugged me and told me she loved me, and that was the last I saw of her.  She died when she was still very young, from some lung disease I found out afterward.  What I didn’t find out until much later was that she and her husband had a daughter of their own.  
  
“Lieutenant, my daughter’s name was Elizabeth.  Her husband’s name was Berthold…”  
  
Roy closes his eyes.  The granddaughter that Grumman had been practically shoving down his throat for years is none other than his precious subordinate, his master’s daughter that he’d grown up with…and they both already know this, but they’d made a pact that if he ever revealed the information, they would act surprised.  He’s actually a little disappointed that he chooses to reveal his secret when Riza’s fresh out of surgery though.  
  
“You’re… my _grandfather_?” Riza asks, her voice still drugged sounding.  “My mother’s father?”  
  
The sound of Grumman’s chair creaking alerts Roy that he’s leaned forward toward her.  “Yes, my dear.  I wanted to find the right moment to tell you, but it never seemed to happen naturally, so I decided I had to just come out and say it.”  
  
Riza says nothing for a moment, then murmurs, “Mama died when I was three.  I don’t remember much about her, other than she was very sweet and loved to play tea party with me…  If she mentioned anything about you, I was too little to remember.”  
  
“And with the way your father felt about me, I wouldn’t expect him to tell you a thing,” he answers.  
  
“But what does this have to do with the Colonel?” she asks, sounding more alert with every passing minute.  Roy’s stomach clenches nervously, but he keeps quiet.  She doesn’t know what Grumman asked him in confidence.  
  
The smile is evident in his voice when he speaks, “I’ve been telling him for years he should marry my granddaughter, but I never told him who you were, because I hadn’t even told _you_ who you were.  But now you both know.”  
  
Silence fills the room.  Roy’s face feels hot, like he’s blushing all the way to his ears, embarrassed that Grumman’s even bringing up the marriage thing _now_.  He wonders if Riza’s face is just as red.  Then there’s the sound of Grumman chuckling and he gets his answer.  “You’re both red as beets!  Does that mean I can start planning the wedding?”  
  
“With all due respect, sir,” Riza begins, “I think it would be best if you let us get some rest and think on this information.  After all, I did just come from surgery.”  Of course, as usual, she’s the voice of reason and sanity.  
  
“Of course, my dear.”  The Führer’s chair creaks again and Roy hears his footsteps move toward Riza’s bed.  It sounds like Grumman touched her somehow, maybe a hug or a squeeze of a shoulder.  Then he moves toward Roy and takes his bandaged hand and gingerly shakes it.  “I hear you and Lt. Havoc are meeting with Dr. Marcoh tomorrow to fix you two up.  Good luck, Roy.  I’ll be in touch soon.”  
  
“Thank you, sir,” Roy manages to say.  The door opens and Grumman’s speaking to his guards in a much nicer tone, then a nurse comes in to check on both of them.  When she’s finished, Roy hears her switch the light off and he lies back in his bed.  
  
“Are you awake?” Riza whispers.  
  
“Yeah,” he murmurs back.  
  
She’s quiet again for a bit, then she asks, “Why didn’t you tell me that part?”  
  
Roy thinks about that for a moment.  He doesn’t really know why he failed to tell her that his longtime friend had been pushing him to marry her.  “I guess I didn’t want to get your hopes up if I didn’t have to.”  
  
Silence again.  Then she says something he hasn’t heard her say in a very long time:  
  
“Roy?”  
  
His mouth goes dry at the sound of his name in her mouth, but he forces himself to answer her the only way his brain can think to at that moment.  “Riza?”  
  
“It’s getting harder to watch your back.”  
  
He swallows.  He doesn’t want to hear this yet.  Not yet.  He wants to be able to see her face when she says the words she’s been holding inside for a long time (and should hold for a long time still, at least until after he’s made it to the Führer’s seat).  “I can’t make the rest of this journey without you.  You have to watch my back a little longer.”  
  
“But…  Roy, I-”  
  
“Please, Riza.  Not now.  Don’t say it.”  
  
He sits up and swings his legs over the edge of the bed.  His hands are out in front of his cat pawing in the endless dark and he slides his feet to avoid tripping on something.  He ignores Riza’s concerned protests and moves steadily toward her bed, then bumps his knee into the rails and sits down next to her.  Her fingers are wrapped around his bandaged right hand, the one closest to her and the one that suffered the least amount of damage from Bradley’s swords.  He squeezes gently and brings the back of one of her hands to his lips and kisses it softly.  His fingers reach up to touch her hair, then her cheek.  
  
“Wait until there’s nothing to stand in our way.  Wait until you don’t have to watch my back anymore, when we can enjoy ourselves and each other.”  
  
“We could die tomorrow.  I want to say it now… so at least you will have heard it from me personally.”  Roy feels her warm hand cover his and he nearly lets her speak.  He knows she’s right, that they both want to say it out loud…  
  
“Wait until I get my sight back at least.  I want to see your face…”  
  
He hears her sigh in disappointment.  “Okay,” she says in a defeated voice.  
  
He leans forward and gathers her into his arms, thankful that he doesn’t need his eyes to hold her.  Her arms are warm around his back and he thinks he could stay like this forever, nose deep in her hair that hasn’t been washed since they first arrived at the hospital and the bandages surrounding her throat still smelling of fresh antiseptic from the minor surgery she’s still recovering from.  
  
“You better get some rest,” he mumbles, knowing the nurse will birth a cow if she finds him out of bed and bothering his Lieutenant.  He eases her down onto the bed and leaves her with a tender kiss, again to her forehead.  Despite how badly he wants to taste her lips, he will wait.  
  
“Be careful,” she warns.  “I can’t save you this time should you fall.  I’m too weak from the anesthesia…”  
  
“Don’t worry, I think I can watch my own back this time.”  He shuffles slowly back to his bed and climbs in.  “Besides, I think I rather like you better by my side right now.”  
  
“Me too,” she agrees with a sigh as she settles into the linens.  Not long after that, her soft snores fill the space they share and he lies back in his own bed, smiling at the ceiling with unseeing eyes.  
  
They’ve never been intimate with each other, never even properly kissed or shared a heated glance, yet he is sharing a room with her in the hospital (which is usually only permissible if the injured couple are _married_ …) and he knows more about her sleeping habits than she probably does.  
  
“I love that sound,” he says to himself, barely an audible sentence, and he thinks he wants to hear Riza snoring beside him for the rest of his life.

* * *

 

He assumed the day Marcoh came with the stone that he would be able to see again immediately.  But just like any other injury, he needed time to recuperate.  Havoc was sent to physical therapy at a breakneck pace, under his own initiative (“Because this wheelchair shit is for the fuckin’ birds,” he’d proclaimed), and Roy was left with thick gauze over his eyes for two weeks while his corneas and nerves healed.  Over the last few days, they’d reduced the layers of gauze so as to slowly reintroduce light back into Roy’s black world, and finally the day had come when the bandage would be completely removed and he could open his eyes for the first time since the Promised Day, and hopefully see something.  
  
The strip of silk is removed and the thin cotton pads protecting his eyelids are taken off…  “Alright, Mustang,” Knox says hopefully.  “Cross your fingers…”  
  
Roy slowly opens the lids of his eyes.  He quickly shuts them again, then reopens them after holding his hand to his face and squinting.  He adjusts fairly quickly to all the light, and soon he’s able to open them fully.  After a while, he drops his hand.  
  
“Tell me everything you see: colors, clarity, everything.”  This from Marcoh who is seated right next to Knox.  
  
Roy begins, “Everything’s sharp and clear, but I’m only seeing red and yellow tones.”  
  
Marcoh’s brow furrows.  “You can’t see blue or green?”  
  
Roy shakes his head, “No.”  
  
Knox looks around, then points at the floor.  “The floor is green, but what do you see?”  
  
“Gray.”  Roy looks down at his chest.  “This hospital shirt is supposed to be blue, but all I see is gray.”  
  
Marcoh pulls a piece of paper from his pocket.  “What about this?  It’s purple colored paper.”  
  
Roy shakes his head again.  “It looks pink to me, doctor.”  
  
Both physicians are perplexed, but Roy doesn’t care about that right now.  His hands are nearly completely healed, he can see again (enough to not be dependent on finding his way in the dark with his hands, being able to read and write again is a plus, too…), and he’s got lots of work to do and wants to get started straight away.  He stands up and makes for the door.  
  
“I need my uniform and a unit of men.  I’m going to Ishval, to rebuild it this time.”  
  
“But I think I can fix your color blindness-” Marcoh cries out, rising in order to stop him from leaving, but Roy turns around and flashes him a smile.  
  
“It’s a fair price I think, to see everything in colors of fire.  It will remind me of the sins I’ve committed and double my resolve to do my best to make it up to the Ishvalan people.”  
  
He turns and leaves, making his way to the room that he and Riza have been sharing while they both recover.  When he opens the door, he finds her dressed and sitting on the bed, shoes on and looking very much like she’s leaving…  
  
“You can see, sir!” she exclaims, standing at attention, a decorative scarf hiding the stitches at her neck and a sensible sweater covering the injury at her shoulder.  He can see her blond hair and cinnamon eyes and perfect skin…  And she’s wearing a dull gray outfit and Roy realizes that she’s wearing blue colors.  
  
“I can’t see all the colors, but I can see very clearly.  As long as I can see to rebuild Ishval and this country, that’s all I need.”  He paces around the room for a moment.  “I just need my uniform and I’ll be ready to gather up another unit-”  
  
“Sir.”  
  
“What?” he says, looking anxious and more than ready to leave.  
  
“Open the wardrobe.”  
  
He moves the last few paces to the armoire type cabinet and flings the door open.  Inside is a fresh uniform, polished boots and a balled up pair of socks sticking out of one of them.  He sighs and grins at her.  “Where would I be without you, Lieutenant?”  He reaches in for the clothing, but then he stops.  “How did you get this in here?”  
  
She offers him a smile and says, “I had Braeda bring it from the office.  It’s your spare.  I knew you’d be ready to go as soon as you got your vision back.”  
  
It’s too much for him to take.  This woman had given up much to be behind him, watched him almost die too many times to count, saved him from his own mistakes and done more for him than maybe even his aunt…  Before another instant passes out of their reach, he crosses the room and takes her face in his hands and kisses her lips like a man starved.  As he caresses her mouth with his, he feels warm grateful tears running down her cheeks and landing on his thumbs.  He swipes them away, but they still come.  He can feel her clutching him to her as tight as she can manage, and he slowly pulls back from her.  
  
Her eyes open, and they’re a beautiful rich brown with little hints of burgundy in them.  Roy’s not sure he’s ever been close enough to see those sparks of cinnamon there before, but now that he’s seen them, he’s sure he’ll always see them.  He wipes her tears away, “Will you come with me to Ishval?”  
  
“Of course,” she replies, sniffling.  “You never have to ask, you should know that.”  
  
Roy takes her in his arms and holds her tight as Riza buries her face in his shoulder.  “If there were a way to do this- to get me to the Führer’s seat, without having to deny how I feel for you-”  
  
“I know, sir,” Riza agrees.  “We have a country of millions that must come before the two of us.”  
  
He sighs and looks up at the ceiling.  “But you need to know… and I need to _say_ …”  He slips his finger under her chin and raises her head from his chest.  He swallows and begins, “Riza, I’ve loved you for a very long time now, and I will always love you, no matter how far apart we are, no matter how long we’re separated.  I don’t know what I would’ve done if I’d lost you on the Promised Day…” he chokes out as he feels tears of his own burning behind his new eyes.  
  
And then he watches and feels as her hands come to his cheeks.  She shushes him, and says, “If I had died, you would have gone on without me.  You’ve got a job to do, whether I’m here or not.  And besides, I’m here,” she smiles.  “I’m not going anywhere unless it’s with you.”  
  
Roy kisses her again, more delicately than the first time, and when there’s a knock at the door, the two of them shoot apart from each other.  The door opens and Braeda’s rear end is seen as he backs Havoc’s wheelchair in.  
  
“Just thought we’d stop in-” Braeda starts, then his eyes flick between his commander and the lieutenant.  “Are we interrupting something?”  
  
Roy smiles confidently and says, “No, not at all!  We’re just gathering up everything.”  
  
Havoc is smirking as Braeda seems to be holding back a chuckle.  “Are you suuuuurre?”  
  
“Please, let’s give the Colonel some privacy so he can get dressed,” Riza declares in a stony tone, reaching for her own things.  
  
“You might want to check yourself in the mirror before you get dressed, sir,” Braeda says, his smile wider than ever.  
  
He hurries to the mirror in the water closet and his eyes go wide—His mouth is smeared with Riza’s neutral colored lipstick!  
  
His men are laughing as he hurriedly washes the stuff from his face.  When he rejoins them, he’s stern looking as he addresses them.  “You are not to tell anyone of this.  We’ll be thrown in the stocks for violating the frat regs and-”  
  
Braeda waves his comments off as he laughs.  “Yeah, like we didn’t know you didn’t have something for each other long ago!”  
  
“If we turn you in we’d have to turn about two dozen others.  Don’t worry about it!” Havoc crows as he lights a cigarette.  
  
“Two dozen others?” Riza asks, wiping the lipstick away from her own face.  
  
Braeda begins counting on his fingers, “There’s Ross and Brosch for one-”  
  
“I heard that Gen. Armstrong has been sleeping with Maj. Miles for years.  And I’m sure there’s a few of those men that serve under her that have, uh, ‘joined forces’ so to speak.”  
  
“The secretary in Munitions is banging her superior, in fact I’d heard they secretly eloped in Aerugo.”  Braeda put his hands on his hips.  “The point is, it’s fine.  We’re not snitches, you should know that by now about us.”  
  
He looks back at Riza, who is looking at him with gentle eyes.  He smiles at her, then steps closer to hold her tight once more.  Her arms come around him and he says just loud enough for everyone in the room to hear: “I love you, Riza.”  
  
“I love you too,” she replies, her response muffled by his chest.  
  
“If you’re ready, I’d like to leave for Ishval as soon as possible.”  She nods in his embrace and Braeda interrupts them.  
  
“It’s going to take at least three days to secure a transit to the ruins and get clearance for more men and all.  You two could use some down time, maybe at a little place outside Central called the Dew Drop Inn.”  He and Havoc are grinning like Cheshire cats.  
  
“It’s one of those places that turns a blind eye to frat regs.  Probably because it was started by someone who was booted out for violating them in the first place.”  Havoc grins as he flips his ashes onto the green tile floor.  “Might be worth a visit.”  
  
“Can’t believe you never found the directions I left in the glove box,” Braeda says to Riza.  “It’s not like we were keeping the place a secret or anything!”  
  
Roy watches her face turn an adorable shade of pink and he smiles to himself.  
  
“I thought it was something of Havoc’s and didn’t even read it.  It’s in the box of stuff from the office I sent out to him after his retirement.”  
  
“Perhaps you’d be so kind as to write out the directions again, Braeda?” Roy asks.  
  
“Sure thing, Colonel.  We’ll meet you downstairs when you’re ready.”  And with that, the rotund man grabs the handles of his friend’s wheelchair and backs them out into the hallway, shutting the door behind them.  
  
“We really have the best men in the whole army under us, I don’t care what Gen. Armstrong says about the Briggs men,” Roy murmurs as he takes Riza to his arms once more.  “Feel like checking out that inn?”  
  
“Maybe they allow pets,” she answers as she kisses his cheek.  “I miss my dog after being stuck in this hospital for so long.  Don’t want Fuery spoiling him too much, you know.”  
  
“Let’s leave right away.”  
  
“Yes, sir,” she replies with a genuine smile.  
  
Though he can’t be completely open about his feelings for her until his work is done, at least he could revel in the relief that they had finally said the words they’d both longed to say for so long.  No more ‘not now’ from him, no more disappointed looks marring her beautiful face… He’d said what had been on his heart for such a long time, and as they step out into the bright, clear, spring morning, he feels relief wash over him.  They’ve won, they’re on their way to make things as right as they can (they’ll never wash all the blood away, but that’s not why they’re doing this).  If the next three days at the inn are all they’re ever allowed, he’ll treasure them always…  
  
Just like he’ll always treasure Riza.


End file.
